I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
you traded sex for a burrito?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Randomize
