Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
