Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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