Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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