Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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