Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
