she woke up with a sticky ear
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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