I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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