K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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