It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
They took my balls.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
