genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
