it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
