I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
