Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
