We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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