and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
