I hate your face
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
