I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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