The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
