I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
