I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
