I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
