you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
