Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
