Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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