We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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