oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
