she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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