I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
