god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
