i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
