I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
