I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
