I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
