Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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