she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
