Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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