Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
