just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
