Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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