just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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