what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
