Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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