Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
