Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
