Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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