My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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