if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
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