life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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