My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I understand Curling. That high.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
