I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
